There is a certain type of man that many women have encountered in the wild who loudly declaims that he hates drama. Yet, for some reason unknown to him, dramatic women just keep finding him (and marrying him, and having kids with him, and so on). Despite how laid back he assures you that he is, exes seem to always be “starting” with him, texting, yelling at him, and telling him that he is an ass$%^%. When you first meet this paragon of laidbackness, it really seems like he has terrible luck picking the right woman. But six months or so into your relationship, you find yourself embroiled in some form of (you guessed it) drama. What is going on?
Being “dramatic” is known as a bad thing, for men and women alike, so barely anyone wants to admit being dramatic or being drawn to drama. Yet, it is almost impossible for children raised in a volatile, chaotic, high-conflict environment to avoid being drawn to drama later in their lives. Read this about why people are drawn to precisely the partners who are worst for them.
Men who say they don’t like drama but who have dramatic exes are usually of the Mr. Perfect And His Crazy Wife variety. They are secretly drawn to dramatic women who help them recreate the dynamics they saw in their homes growing up, but they consciously reject the idea that they could in any way be contributing to the “crazy” dynamic they have with partners. Here are ways that these supposedly drama-free guys create drama in their relationships:
- Choosing women who struggle with depression, Borderline Personality disorder or trauma histories and then invalidating these women and telling them to “calm down” all the time
- Refusing to admit that they keep fights going endlessly by playing Devil’s Advocate, laughing at their partner’s viewpoint, or avoiding any responsibility for any conflict
- Flirting with other women or actively cheating with them (emotionally and/or physically) which drives already emotional partners into a tailspin where they truly do act “crazy”
- Leaving women abruptly (often for another woman) which has the same outcome of turning an emotional woman into a “crazy ex”
In general, if you meet a man who blames all his past relationship issues on his exes, run the other direction. Actually, give him the benefit of the doubt first, and ask, “And what did you contribute to the problems?” If he stops and thinks and gives a real answer, this means he may have the capacity to own his contribution to your inevitable future relationship issues (because all relationships have some kind of issue).
Also, keep in mind that your drama magnet new boyfriend likely has a dramatic family of origin, and frequently a dramatic mother, which is why he is instinctively drawn to drama. You will likely end up steeped in mother-in-law conflict, and he will play the “I hate drama” card here by refusing to take sides and letting you and her fight it out, like this. You may feel abandoned and thrown over in favor of his mother, who is his original Dramatic Woman template.
Note that a variant of this guy is the Rescuer, who has dramatic exes with histories of self-harm, substance abuse, and so forth. He doesn’t invalidate them like the Mr. Perfect guy, and they never call him an ass$%^$, but he is drawn to “fixing” and helping them. He likely had one parent who spent their life fixing the other, so this dynamic is familiar to him at a core level. Long after you have married him, his exes will keep showing up in his life, begging him to rescue them (often financially), and he will find it hard to turn them away.
If you are already emotionally invested in a guy like this, therapy can help you figure out what is healthy in the relationship and what is not, and how to set up boundaries and be true to yourself while remaining together (if that is your choice). In general, remember that whatever he says that his exes thought about him will eventually be what you think about him, at least to some degree. And of course, same goes for you; if he is drawn to you then you need to do a deep soul searching introspection about how you and his exes are probably much more similar than you’d like to admit.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire, Guys.
